In today’s world there’s so much content about how you can become a high value man, how you can become emotionally guarded, how you can build your life. But at the same time, even if you are working on yourself, you also need to have the ability to actually spot a woman who can also be a match for you. Also spotting a woman who is high value, even for you as well.
And here is the thing. Not every woman is actually capable of emotional depth. Not every woman is capable of offering that safe kind of love to a man, which is why it’s even more important for you to actually know what the qualities are that you should be identifying in a woman before you even decide that, okay, maybe you are attracted to her or maybe you like her. Lot of you guys, you end up liking a woman without actually judging her character and her personality, without even knowing anything about her. And these are the situations that often lead to heartbreak.
So, in today’s article, I will discuss about how can you actually identify a woman who has that emotional bandwidth, maturity, and depth that you want in your girlfriend or in your partner as well. So, if you’re new here, I’m Akash and I’m a men’s relationship coach and I help men heal their traumas, attachment issues and wounded masculinity in order for them to pursue meaningful connections with women.
What an Emotionally Intelligent Woman Looks Like?
So, let’s get into what an emotionally intelligent woman looks like, who does not just speak about love but also knows how to do love. For example:
1. She Owns Her Emotions
The first thing is she knows how to own her emotions without blaming you for it. She is someone who knows how to take responsibility of her own feelings and her own emotions without actually making you the villain for it. People have conflicts. Everyone has emotions, especially being a woman, very much more emotional than a man is. But at the same time, she is not projecting emotions onto you and she is not making you solely the cause of her emotions, and she also knows how to regulate herself.
If she is upset, she is not the one who will lash out or be reactive or even give you the silent treatment by pulling away. And the biggest thing an emotionally intelligent woman would say is, “I feel hurt,” instead of “you hurt me.” It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel not seen in a relationship or a connection. Conflicts are inevitable, but instead of blaming it on you, an emotionally intelligent woman would actually personalize her feelings and tell you, “I’m feeling sad, I’m feeling hurt, I’m feeling angry,” instead of saying things like, “you made me angry, you made me sad, you hurt me.”
Because when the language is oriented like that, naturally the person in front of you will get defensive. So, this does not lead to a healthy conflict resolution. And this also shows that she is not projecting her wounds onto you and she is not dragging her childhood traumas into the connection and projecting that into the connection itself. In a way, she takes ownership of her own emotions and communicates her emotions to you in a healthy manner.
2. She Understands Intimacy vs Intensity
The second sign is she knows the difference between intimacy and intensity. A lot of you guys fall into a connection and a relationship solely based on the initial intensity that you guys find in a relationship, and this is what causes the relationship to eventually break down with the same intensity with which it started. One of the biggest red flags in a relationship is heavy chemistry and heavy intensity in the very beginning. People take time to reveal their true version. People take time to know each other.
And when you guys are so intense in the very beginning, often you miss the red flags in this very process. She is not someone who actually craves drama, and she is not someone who thinks that toxic highs and emotional lows are butterflies or something that should trigger her nervous system. She is someone who is grounded in her own safety. She is comfortable in her own body and has a sense of safety within her. And even you, in her presence, would actually naturally feel calm, steady, and you will have clarity as to where exactly her emotions stand.
3. She Listens To Understand
Third Sign Is She Listens To Understand and not defend yourself. Most People do not listen. They only listen to defend themselves, and actually wait for it’s their turn to speak up. But emotionally intelligent woman, she actually listens to you. She does not twist your own issues back to you. She doesn’t try to defend herself, and she actually tries to understand and even take the things that you’re telling her as feedback, so that she can also work on herself.
Now, it’s not that you don’t need to work on yourself, but it’s to be a mutual discussion where you guys are giving each other feedback, and you guys can actually see what needs to be worked on in the connection. She actually has a bandwidth to ask questions like, “tell me more about this thing” or “is this how you felt,” instead of saying things like, “oh, if you felt that, by the way, I also felt the same way.” This is how women sometimes deflect things from you, say back to you, and not listen to what exactly you’re trying to communicate with her. When a woman wants to understand, not control and correct you, you will naturally feel this with her.
4. She Knows How To Regulate Herself
Fourth Sign Is She Knows How to Regulate Herself and she does not expect you to fix her problems or be her therapist, and it’s OK to emotionally support each other. That’s what a real relationship is all about, where two people are mutually helping each other grow into better people and helping each other face some difficulties that life throws in your way.
But it’s not your job to fix every problem, every emotional spiral that she has every time she pulls away, and it’s not your job and your responsibility to carry the emotional weight in the relationship. Because what’s going to happen is, when you start doing this, when you start over-giving and when you start over-holding space for someone, she is going to eventually start dumping every problem and every emotion onto you, and eventually you will end up resenting her. And resentment, once born in a connection, is the death of a connection.
An emotionally intelligent woman, she knows the things that she has been through. If she has her traumas in her childhood, she knows how to work on it. She has done the inner work. She probably goes to therapy. She has resources. She has tools like meditation and things that she does to make sure that she is also taking care of her own mental health and not solely relying on you as her support system.
5. She Can Be Honest Without Being Cruel
The Fifth Sign Is She Can Be Honest without actually being cruel. Emotional intelligence is not just about sugarcoating things, but it’s about trying to deliver something in a healthy manner.
She is not someone who will be passive-aggressive, leave you confused as to what exactly is going on in her mind and what exactly is bothering her. You won’t have to ask her 100 times what exactly is wrong with the connection or why she’s acting that way. She’ll tell you clearly, kindly, and respectfully.
6. She Knows Her Triggers
The Sixth Sign Is She Knows Her Triggers and she does not always make that your fault.
Let’s be honest, all of us have some kind of abandonment wounds and some kind of traumas and insecurities. But let’s say if she is getting triggered at one point in the relationship, which is very natural, at least she knows that it’s probably from her past. It’s probably because of something that happened to her, maybe in her childhood or even in a past relationship.
And she might say things like, “I’m triggered in this moment, and I know I need to work on this,” and she might even communicate in a healthy way why exactly that particular situation triggered her.
7. Love Is Partnership
The Seventh Sign Is She Knows that love is not ownership, but it’s partnership. At every corner, she knows that love is about trusting someone, respecting someone, and not controlling someone.
How to Identify Her Properly?
So if you’re wondering how you will know if you meet such a woman, you need to start making decisions with discernment. Give the relationship time. Take two to three months to truly know someone. Wait until you face your first conflict, because that is when real character shows.
So, I hope this article was helpful to you. If still something is unclear to you, feel free to ask those questions in the comment section. I hope now you can decide well to choose your women. So that’s all for today’s article. Thank you so much for reading this article till the end and I’ll see you guys in the next article soon. Thank you!