Even when things do not work out between us and the person that we love, sometimes it’s so hard for you to even get over that, because that whole heartbreak or the breakup actually affected you on such a deep level that even after the breakup, you keep on obsessing about the person and even the relationship in itself. And maybe you are also watching this because you are probably not able to get over her, and it’s been weeks, months, sometimes even years, and you’ve tried everything possibly in your capacity, but still you haven’t been able to forget her, and you keep ruminating again and again.
It’s like the whole memory of everything that happened in the connection or the relationship has such a hold over you that moving past it almost feels very impossible for you. And maybe you have actually tried making yourself busy, distracting yourself with work or anything that you’re doing in your life, but still she continues living in your mind rent-free.
So, if you’re new here, I’m Akash, and I’m a men’s relationship coach, and I help men heal with their traumas, attachment issues, and wounded masculinity in order for them to pursue meaningful connection with women. Now let’s talk about how you can actually detach from someone and get over that person once and for all from with you have feelings or you deeply love.
Why It’s So Hard to Move On?
First, let’s talk about why it is so hard for you to actually move on. It’s very rare that you are stuck on that person because of that person in itself, because logically you know that she wasn’t the best person for you. She wasn’t the greatest match or fit for you, and she also did not show up in the best way possible.
So often times, you are actually not stuck on her. You are stuck on the feeling of being chosen, even if it was for rare, fleeting moments. You are stuck on those little attention or breadcrumbs that she gave you, which kept you hooked to the whole connection. Or maybe you are actually attached to the whole dream that you created in your head of how the future would possibly look like with her.
So, it’s not about her at the end of the day. You are not able to move on from the whole connection because that connection actually invoked a lot of emotions within you, which is very hard for you to move on from. And when that dream, or how you were feeling even in the connection, gets taken away from you, it’s often a position or a place of identity collapse that you go through. Because something that you dreamt about so much, something that was so dear to you, is now not there in your life, and you are not able to get over that particular dream and the scenarios and narratives that you created in your mind.
So this is why it’s very hard for us to move on from a person when we are completely thinking about them months even after the breakup, because you are clinging on to those dreams which were shattered, because you’re clinging on to the possibility of what it could have actually been.
What Detachment Actually Means?
The second thing I want to talk about is what detachment often means. Now, we think that detachment means becoming emotionless or becoming numb. That is not what detachment is all about. Becoming emotionally numb, or getting distracted, or trying not to feel anything within you, that is not healing. That is called suppression. And the more you suppress any emotions, the more it goes into your subconscious mind. And whatever lives in your subconscious mind actually governs your entire reality.
Now, if you have a thought from the whole breakup, like “okay, she did not choose me, maybe I wasn’t good enough for her,” and you suppress these thoughts, it’s naturally going to go into your subconscious and become unprocessed thoughts. So next time, even when you meet someone who’s probably good for you, these fears actually start coming up, where you start thinking of your past, how your ex did not choose you, or how that relationship ended because of certain shortcomings within you.
So your subconscious belief systems, or limiting beliefs, is so strong that you’re not able to even live your present moment fully. And true detachment actually means that you know, “I care, but I don’t need it in my life.” I’m not holding on to it for dear life. True detachment means, “Okay, I love you, but I’m not going to abandon my own needs. I’m not going to self-sacrifice my own boundaries to keep that love in my life.” Because at the end of the day, even I love myself.
My love for someone else cannot be so high that I forget myself in this whole process. And this is often the foundation for healthy relationships. When two people come together, both of them need to have a healthy amount of self-love. And these are the people who end up getting into the best kind of relationship. Even if one person has good self-love and the other person has none, that also becomes disastrous.
So detachment is saying that, “I still have feelings, but I’m not going to betray myself just to keep you in my life.” Because my life also has meaning. My life also has value. So detachment is actually power with softness and clarity without any kind of self-abandonment.
How to Break the Obsession Loop?
The third thing I want to talk about is the fastest way you can actually break this loop. You cannot distract yourself. You cannot numb yourself. You cannot try to take up a new project just because you don’t want to sit with your emotions.
The more you suppress something, the stronger that pain comes later. So now that you’re already in this process, might as well go through it properly. Every time she comes into your mind, do not run from that thought. Do not numb yourself. Do not escape into fantasy. Accept reality: you both are not together. When her thoughts come, feel the emotion sadness, hurt, anger.
Now, sit down and locate where that emotion exists in your body. If it’s sadness, you’ll feel it in your chest. Close your eyes, breathe, and focus on it for 3–5 minutes. Slowly, that emotion will dissolve. If it’s anxiety, it’s because you’re thinking instead of feeling. And you know Feeling = healing and Thinking = anxiety. So do this daily. Even if it takes 1–3 months, you will empty that emotional charge.
Reclaim Your Life
The fourth thing I want you to do is reclaim the man that you were before you were with her. Now, before you met her, you would have had a good life. You were pretty happy and by your own self. What were you doing back then? What are the things that made you happy back then?
Start taking those things up slowly. It could be reading. It could be working out. It could be cooking. Whatever it is that actually is something that you enjoyed in the past. Bring those things up one by one, because this is a phase where you have to do anything that’s going to possibly give you serotonin and dopamine in your brain. Not by watching Netflix and not by doom scrolling, but by actually probably spending your time in nature or maybe going out, traveling. Whatever it is that brings you happiness, you have to slowly start engaging in those habits, because you can’t let someone live rent-free in your mind. Like, what has she even done to occupy that much space in your mind? Think of it that way.
Be Brutally Honest With Yourself
The fifth thing I want you to do is become brutally honest with yourself. Take out your notes app, take out a paper, write down 20 reasons as to why she was not good for you, because right now your brain is not able to get over her because you have created a fantasy in your brain which does not match the reality.
So you might think she’s the best woman in the world. You might think, “Oh, she has the best personality.” But you have to get rid of these thoughts and actually see the reality of what the situation was. Take out that paper. Take out your notes app. List down 20 reasons as to why it did not work out and why she was not a good fit in your life. And read this list every single day. Maybe two times, three times, how many ever times you need to.
Maybe whenever her thought comes up, you take out this list and you actually read it so that you understand the reality of the situation instead of the fantasy that your brain kind of created. And ask yourself this question: did she ever make me feel truly safe, respected, and valued? Or did I keep chasing the version of her who I wanted her to be?
Most of the times, we actually look at the potential of what that person can be, the potential of how amazing she could have turned out to be, the potential of everything she could have done, right? But she did not fulfill that. Because had it been that, you wouldn’t be in this situation.
So instead, ask yourself the real question. Was I chasing a version of her that I created in my head with hope that maybe she’s too hurt to accept me? Maybe she has her own problems, that’s why she’s not showing up for me. Maybe she’s busy in her life and I am being a burden on her.
The more you think of these things and thoughts, you’re actually demeaning yourself in the process, and you’re telling your subconscious mind that, hey, I’m not important enough and I’m not worth being chosen by someone else. So in a way, you do not have high self-worth. I would say when you think of these thoughts, because you’re giving someone else more importance than you’re giving yourself.
No one should be more important than you are to yourself. And this is not something that you practice from a place of being egoistical or it’s not something you practice and you become like a narcissist thinking that, you know, hey, you are the best person in the world. It’s from a healthy place because you know your abandonment wound and you know your self-worth issues and you know your traumas were way stronger.
Usually people who’ve gone through traumas, they have low self-worth, they have low self-esteem, they have low self-love. So these are the ways you can get yourself slowly ahead in life.
Final Shift Moment
Every time someone is not showing up for you, be the one who rejects them instead of going after them, begging them or chasing them, because you shouldn’t even be asking someone to choose you in the very first place.
If someone is not coming in your life and choosing you, you have to have this attitude that, okay, it’s their loss. You are not losing anything in this whole process. And that’s simply the truth of the situation.
So next time your mind drifts to her, firstly feel the emotions. Second, read that list of things that you made about her, why she is not the right person for you. Because this is how you slowly start rewiring your brain to see the reality of the situation instead of living in a fantasy that you created.
Dethrone her from your pedestal and put yourself back on that pedestal. And that’s the place where you know people start coming into your life where they’re showing up for you, because you value yourself. That’s why other people start valuing you.
I hope this article was helpful for you to understand why detachment is so hard and how you can detach from the person you have deep love. I hope everything is clear now. If something is still unclear, feel free to ask those doubts in the comment section. I will try to answer your doubts as soon as possible. Thank you so much for reading the article till the end and I will meet you soon guys with another article. Thank you!