One of the hardest things a human being can actually go through in their entire life is growing up in a household that was abusive and neglectful. Because when you are in a household that’s actually abusive towards you, where your parents, who are supposed to be your protectors, actually cause you harm and completely break your spirit, what can actually be worse than that?
The parents who actually have no regulation are the ones who engage in these kinds of behaviors, where they’re actually abusing a little child who has absolutely no means to protect himself. And I know the parents who engage in these kinds of behaviors have their own share of trauma, but that does not excuse their behavior whatsoever. And sadly, this is even more common in Indian households. However, I want to let you guys know that just because it is common doesn’t mean that it is normal.
So, in this article, I will be discussing about how you can actually heal yourself as an adult if you have been brought up in a household that was abusive. So, if you’re new here, I’m Akash, and I’m a men’s relationship coach, and I help men heal from their traumas, attachment issues, and wounded masculinity in order for them to pursue meaningful connections with women.
The Impact of an Abusive Childhood
So, what happens when a child actually grows up in a house that is abusive or neglectful towards him? The main thing that happens is the child’s sense of safety and trust is broken early on in his life. Because think of it this way, the protectors are not protecting; the protectors are harming. So how can the child actually even have trust in other people if his own parents were not able to protect him at a young age?
This actually leads to a subconscious belief system being formed in the child’s brain that his presence is a burden. Kids are very narcissistic in nature. They do not think, “Okay, my parents are actually going through a very hard time in their life.” They think something is wrong within them. That’s why their parents are hitting them. That’s why their parents are abusing them. This is the belief system that they actually carry forward even into their adult life.
A child who grows up in such a harmful environment learns that his feelings are not safe. It’s better to be silent than to express his voice or his needs. But think of it this way like if a child has never had the safety to express his feelings, how would he, even in his adult relationships, feel safe enough to express what he thinks? Speaking about his feelings or expressing his needs becomes equivalent to danger and abuse.
Eventually, what happens is that you completely shut down your voice. You dim down your needs and develop no boundaries whatsoever, because early in your life, speaking up for your needs or having boundaries caused you more harm than good. Under every kind of behavior a man engages in, be it people-pleasing or perfectionism, there lives an inner child, an inner boy who just wants to feel safe, seen, and loved properly for once.
How the Wound Follows Into Adult Relationships?
The second thing I want to discuss about is how this wound follows into your adult life. The biggest area where this wound shows up is in your relationships because there is a deep abandonment wound formed inside you. If no one has ever loved you properly in your life, how are you going to believe that you’re lovable?
For you to feel that you’re lovable, someone should have loved you early on. But when you grow up in an abusive household, that basic need of attachment and love is not met by your caregivers, and as a result, an abandonment wound is formed.
This can manifest in two ways:
- You may shut down your emotions and become avoidant in nature.
- You may constantly try to win someone else over and develop an anxious attachment style.
You may either trust too little and remain guarded, or you may become someone who always tries to keep others happy. Both extremes keep you disconnected from your core because the underlying subconscious belief is: “My emotions are not safe. I’m not lovable.”
How to Start Healing from an Abusive Household?
The turning point in healing occurs when you start identifying your patterns. Until you become conscious of your unconscious thoughts, you will keep repeating them. Your entire reality is curated by your subconscious brain, about 95% of your actions are controlled by it.
For you to heal your traumas, you have to access your subconscious mind. This is why I do not find talk therapy to be very helpful in many cases, because it primarily engages the conscious brain, which represents only 5% of your mind. Trauma lives in the subconscious, and modalities like hypnotherapy can help access and rewrite these belief systems. Healing begins the moment you realize that you want more than just survival, you want to truly live.
1. Reparenting and Emotional Processing
For healing, you have to metaphorically “time travel” back to the root of the events where these subconscious beliefs were formed. Sit in meditation and revisit your childhood days. Feel the pain and sadness. It may take weeks or months to process this grief fully. After sadness, anger towards your parents may surface.
The goal is not to blame your parents but to heal and give yourself the love you did not receive. When you reparent yourself, true healing begins. So take 20 to 30 minutes daily to revisit your childhood memories and feel the emotions. Locate where sadness, shame, or anger is stored in your body, because to heal something, you must feel it.
2. Building Inner Safety
Another essential step is building a sense of inner safety, since safety was missing in your early life. Remind yourself repeatedly: “I am safe.” Affirmations help rewire the subconscious mind when repeated consistently.
3. Practicing Self-Compassion
The most important practice during healing is self-compassion. Eliminate all judgment and shame. It was not your fault that you experienced abuse. Your responsibility now is to heal and build a better life moving forward.
4. Continuing the Healing Journey
Healing is not a linear journey. Progress may feel inconsistent, but every time you choose yourself, you move forward. Strengthening boundaries ensures that you do not continue abandoning your inner child in adulthood.
There will be days when you feel like you’re spiraling back to square one, but progress is never lost. Old emotions resurface only to be processed. Never numb or distract yourself from pain, as emotions are the language of the subconscious.
5. Attracting Healthier Relationships
As you heal, you may lose people who were aligned with your wounded self. However, you will begin attracting healthier and more authentic individuals. Only people who share your frequency can exist in your reality.
6. Reclaiming Your Identity
Remind yourself daily that you are not that scared child anymore. Being abused is not your identity. Healing is not about becoming someone new but about returning to the authentic version of yourself that existed before the wounds.
You now have choices. Even when triggered, remind yourself that you have the tools to lead a better life.
7. Visualizing a New Future
Spend 10 minutes each day visualizing the life you desire. Visualization directly influences the subconscious mind, helping rewire old belief systems and reinforcing your sense of worthiness.
I hope this article was helpful for you. If any part is unclear to you, feel free to ask them in the comment section. And remember that healing is 100% possible. I have also gone through this very same journey, and today I feel extremely happy. If I could heal all my traumas, even sexual abuse, so why can’t you do, you can do as well. So that’s all for today’s article, thank you so much for reading this article till here and I will see you guys in the next article soon. Thank you!