Welcome back, my beautiful visitors. I hope you’re doing well. If you’re new here, I am Akash, and this is the place, your platform, where we talk about everything from healing to developing self-esteem, self-love, confidence, and building your best life.
Recently, I got some compliment from some of our visitor about how hardworking I am, how focused I am, how ambitious I am. And honestly, I heard this compliment, I accepted this compliment, I thanked them for this compliment, but to be honest, it actually never made an effect on me. And that made me think.
There was a point in my life where I used to crave compliments from people. I used to crave that external validation from people so that I could feel better, so that I could feel confident, so that I could feel like I am something. And I know this did not happen overnight, but recently when I got that compliment from the other person, even though I was appreciative of them saying that, in my head I’m like, I know. In my head I’m like, yeah, I know I am all of that you said. And it did not make me so happy, and it did not make my day or something.
How Compliments Stop Affecting You?
Now, giving an example, like I have black hair, and if someone comes to me and they say, “Hey, you have black hair,” I’m just going to be like, I know I have black hair. It’s not going to affect me in a negative way, and it’s not going to affect me in a positive way as well. It’s something I know. It’s a fact. And I know that I have black hair, hence it does not affect me on a very emotional level.
But that’s not the same when it comes to negative comments from people or even positive comments from people. Now, why is it that only negative comments stick in our human brains so much more than a positive compliment? If someone says something negative to you, you think about it much more, you ruminate over it much more than if someone gives you a positive comment.
And it doesn’t make sense to me that even if someone gives you a negative comment, your day should not be affected by it, and even if someone gives you a positive compliment, even then that should not affect you in such scale. Because truly, you know who you are. Truly, you know your values, you know your virtues, what you are good at, and you truly believe in yourself.
Self-Worth Comes From Within, Not From Others
I know this is not a recent change, and it did not happen overnight. This was something that was happening every single day in my life when it comes to me building that sense of self-worth, confidence, and knowing who I am, knowing what I bring to the table. But it’s only recently I had that realization, oh my God, I have reached that place in life where no one can actually affect me to any level.
And I’m not saying, hey, if someone does appreciate you or if someone gives you a compliment, do not thank them. Thank them. Receive it with grace, because you also deserve it. But don’t just depend on that external validation that you get from people.
It’s a good thing that they see that change in you. It’s a good thing they’re acknowledging that about you. But that does not need to affect you in such a way that it makes your whole day, because you already know that’s true. You already know that is a fact about you.
How Daily Self-Work Builds Real Confidence?
Confidence comes when you work on yourself. This confidence comes when every single day you are committed to bettering yourself. You are improving your skills. You’re working on healing yourself. You’re working on your traumas. You’re working on your self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, every single thing.
And when you’re working on all these things, you’re giving your subconscious brain the evidence that this is the goal that I’m going towards. And every step towards that goal, every step towards that destination, you are giving yourself the proof that, hey, you are becoming that person.
I don’t need anyone’s validation, because I know what I’m made of. I know how hard my life was. I know how hard I worked when it comes to building my life. I know how much effort I have put in every single day when it comes to working on my mental health, when it comes to improving my financial conditions, when it comes to earning money, when it comes to building my business. And anything anyone says to me is just a cherry on top of the cake. That does not shake me in any ways, because I already know that’s true.
When You Don’t Know Yourself, Others Define You
When you know yourself at such a deep level, how can someone else even come and tell you otherwise? Most of the times you’re getting affected by all the negative comments people are giving you, be it about your looks, be it about the person you are, because you do not have confidence in the kind of person you are.
You do not have faith in your skills, and you do not have faith in your abilities. And your whole personality, in a way, is made of what other people think of you. Every single day you’re seeking for that external validation outside of you, because you do not know what you stand for. You do not recognize your worth, and you do not know what you bring to the table, and you do not know your own value. And when you don’t know who you are, how do you expect someone else to actually tell you who you are?
And when you’re seeking validation from other people, in a way you’re also seeking that societal approval. You’re seeking for that sense of acceptance from people around you. You’re seeking that acceptance from other people to make you feel good, because you do not know how to make yourself feel good. You do not know how to take care of yourself. You do not know how to love yourself enough to tell yourself otherwise.
Now, if someone comes and tells me I have red hair, I’m just going to be so confused, and I’m going to ask them, do they need glasses to see that I do not have red hair, I have black hair? Because I know it for a fact that I have black hair. This is not just an example of your outer appearance that I’m giving you. Let’s say if you are a kind person and someone else is coming and telling you you’re not a kind person, you’re a very bad person, for a second you’re actually going to believe them because you don’t truly believe that you are a kind person. You are a nice person.
Let go of the people you are actually trying to seek approval from. Once you let go of that one person that you’re trying to seek approval from, you are letting go of the myriads of people in your entire life you have spent seeking approval from. And in most of the cases, if you’ve gone through trauma throughout your entire life, you have been seeking approval from your parents, from your caregivers, and from your entire family. And that has become your personality.
Breaking the Pattern of Approval-Seeking
Seeking approval from other people, having that external validation, seeking that external validation, is a big part of your personality because that’s how you have grown up. But somewhere or the other, you have to break this pattern. You have to break this way of living, because if not, other people are throughout your entire life going to tell you who you are, and you’re going to be just lost.
Always remember that you never make your value go down for someone else. If they don’t know your value, you go find someone else. There are 8 billion people on the planet. People are not a need, they are a want. And when your value comes from inside of you and your self-belief, you don’t need a thing. You don’t need anyone else to validate you. You don’t need any kind of acceptance from people.
And these are the most magnetic people out there. People who genuinely do not care what other people think of them, because they know who they are. And when you know who you are, you will not even care who thinks you’re valuable or who thinks you’re not valuable. People are just an addition in your life, but you are the center of your world.
Become the Center of Your Own Life
When you are self-centred. For example, I am self-centered. I am the main character of my story. And I had to become this way because the times where I was not the main character of my story, people were taking advantage of me. Because of which I had to make the switch, and that’s when people started respecting me. When I don’t respect myself, how can I expect someone else to respect me?
It’s because I know who I am. I am not willing to tolerate other people’s behavior. People treat me with respect. People know what my boundaries are. People know what I’m willing to tolerate and what I’m not willing to tolerate. And I’ve said this before, the goal is not to have other people obsess over you. The goal is for you to be obsessed with yourself. And other people start reflecting that back to you.
And coming from a place where I had so much abandonment issues, because of which I had depression, because of which I had self-harm habits, because of which I had suicidal tendencies, and now being in a place where I have godlike confidence, this wasn’t an easy path. This wasn’t an easy journey. I have been hurt multiple times in this whole process of building this kind of self-worth, self-esteem, and confidence. But I never gave up, because I had faith in myself.
I knew even though I’m not where I want to be, I’m going to get there one way or the other. And I spent so many resources on myself, bettering myself. I read so many books. I listened to so many podcasts. I worked with therapists. I worked with coaches so that I can build this kind of confidence, self-love, and self-esteem.
Being hot is a mentality. Being attractive is a mentality. Being confident is a mentality. If you think you’re ugly, people are also going to think that you are ugly. If you think it’s hard for you to find love, people are going to start reflecting that back to you. And it’s because you did not love yourself enough. You always ended up attracting all those people in your life who were not good for you.
My Personal Experience
I can tell this from my personal experience, that when I was in the darkest phase of my life, I always attracted men who were not good for me, who were narcissistic, who were abusive. Because what I was worried about at that point was I need someone to love me, I need someone to take care of me, instead of me thinking I need to take care of myself, I need to stand for myself, I need to love myself first.
Because that is the only way I will stop tolerating other people. Nobody outside of you holds your value. You have to be on your own pedestal. You need to be sitting on your own throne. And you need to detach yourself from the need for seeking love outside of you. You need to detach yourself from seeking societal acceptance and validation from people. Because if you keep doing that all your life, you’re going to spend your life worrying about what other people think of you. You need to be your biggest fan. If you don’t see yourself in the full glory of who you are, how on earth are other people possibly going to see that?
When you are not confident in yourself, your body language speaks volumes. Other people can also understand that you’re not confident in yourself. You are always willing to bend and break your boundaries for other people just so that they can stay in your life. And the moment you break your boundary, you realize that you do not respect yourself. Every single time you are lowering your standards, you’re breaking your boundaries, you are sending a message to your subconscious brain that you deserve the bare minimum. And your need for acceptance by other people is greater than your need for respecting yourself.
If someone wants to walk out of my life, I just let them. If I feel someone is not good in my life, I walk out from their life as well. People are not permanent. Sometimes people come for a season in your life, and they teach you a lesson, and they leave. You are the only person who’s going to be there with you from the day you’re born till the day you die. And you need to understand that you are the most valuable person in your story. And there are going to be instances where people are going to try and hurt you. The best thing that you can do is walk away from those situations. Stop going and explaining it to them. Stop fighting with them saying, “Oh my God, you did not treat me well, how could you do this to me, I don’t deserve this.”
If you knew what you deserved, you would not be standing there explaining it to that person that they need to treat you better. You’re going to walk out from that situation, and you are going to find someone who is going to treat you better. But for that, you need to have some self-worth inside of you to identify that in the first place.
The best revenge is walking away in silence. You do not owe anyone any explanation. And honestly, if I feel I need to give someone an explanation, I’m like why? I cannot control that person, and nor do I want to control that person. Life is too short, and I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. And the best revenge honestly is looking good and doing better in your life. Work on yourself so that you develop that kind of confidence, and you develop that kind of self-esteem and self-worth. Work on healing all your traumas. Work on healing your abandonment wound, because the fear that you have when it comes to losing people from your life actually stems from your childhood abandonment issues, nothing else.
Somewhere in your childhood, you learned that if you’re not nice to other people, if you don’t take care of other people’s needs, they are going to leave you. Because of which you’re doing this even in your adult life. And this is why people keep taking advantage of you over and over again, because you let them do that. Win so big that other people are in awe of you. But that’s not to say that you should be winning only for other people to be in awe of you. Again, that is external validation.
Winning for Yourself, Not for Validation
When you start winning in your life, your respect for yourself is going to increase every single day, and you will be so proud of the woman you have made of yourself. And when you reach that stage, trust me, all those people that hurt you, all those people who did not value you, they are going to start coming back into your life.
But when they come back, you’re not going to be upset that these people from your past came back, because that is like being upset with the garbage man who has come to pick up the trash they left behind. But guess what, we’re not going to do that. We are going to move on and live our best life and start attracting better people, because the world has so many nice people. But you also have to start believing that there are good people out there in the world who are going to appreciate you for the woman that you are.
I hope you enjoyed this article, you understood why seeking validation is not good and why it’s important to know ourselves better first than anything else. If you want more such self improvement articles, feel free to request them in the comment section. I hope everything is clear to you. So that’s all for today’s article and I’ll see you soon guys in the next upcoming article. Thank you!