Most people think that emotional availability is actually an option, but let me correct you, emotional availability is absolutely a necessity if you’re going to date people or even if you are in a relationship. And this is the exact topic we are going to talk about in today’s article.
If you’re new here, I’m Akash, and this is the place where we talk about everything from healing your traumas, building self-love, self-esteem, confidence, and as a result of that, building your best life. I know this might hurt you a lot, but you are just as emotionally unavailable as the emotionally unavailable partners that you keep picking in your life.
Emotional Availability in Relationships
Understand that when you’re getting into a relationship with someone, when you’re dating someone, it is absolutely a necessity that the person in front of you is emotionally intelligent and is also emotionally available. Judging if the person in front of you has the capability to handle their emotions, I feel, is one of the biggest attributes that you need to be looking for in a partner, but sadly, this is one attribute that is often ignored so much in the very initial stages of dating.
Emotional availability is the capability to build intimacy over the long run through you being vulnerable about your emotions. It lays such a strong foundation for the relationship to run and last forever. What ends up happening is when someone is emotionally available, they are often connected to their emotions, and they can convey their emotions, their needs, every problem that they have running in their mind, and their thoughts to you in a very healthy manner without being passive-aggressive or without even repressing their emotions.
A person who is emotionally available is authentic to their needs, and this is the exact quality that’s going to bring the two of you close together and lay the foundation for a healthy mutual long-term relationship.
Why You Pick Emotionally Unavailable Partners?
There is a deeper reason as to why you are picking emotionally unavailable partners in the very first place. Now think about it, dealing with an emotionally unavailable person is a very hard thing to do, and somewhere there is a thought in your head that you know love is hard, you have to chase for love, the love that comes easily is not true love.
And this often again goes back to the relationship that you had with your parents, where usually one of your parents, either it could be your mom or it could be your dad, was emotionally unavailable, and subconsciously what happens is you end up creating the same dynamic that you had with your parents in your adult relationship as well, and you’re not even aware of it.
This process of choosing an emotionally unavailable partner happens at such a very deep unconscious level that you know when you start dating someone and when you pick someone in the very beginning, you might not even think they’re emotionally unavailable. In fact, they might be everything you have wanted in a partner. They would probably check all your boxes, and they would probably be the perfect person when it comes to looks, the way they behave, how fun they are, or whatever attribute that you need.
Because when we enter into a connection, we don’t usually judge a person based on how they can communicate their emotions in a healthy way. We usually see attributes such as how good-looking they are or how much fun they usually have, do they have a very fun life or not, can I have a good time with this person, which is why emotional maturity and emotional intelligence are very underrated attributes that a lot of people end up ignoring.
The Real Reason Why Relationships Fails
The lack of emotional availability from any one of the partners is one of the biggest reasons why relationships fail in the very first place. This is why you end up picking emotionally unavailable people who cannot meet your needs and who cannot love you in the way that you want to be loved.
It’s basically like asking a person who’s sitting in a wheelchair to run a marathon. They do not even have a grip or a handle over their own emotions. How do you expect them to communicate their emotions in a healthy way?
And emotionally unavailable people, in most of the cases, have an avoidant attachment. So what happens even with these people is they grow up in an environment where their emotional needs were not met. So emotionally unavailable people are also traumatized because they did not get that emotional validation even from their parents. However, their coping mechanism was to completely shut their emotions off, completely distance themselves even from their own emotions, completely ignore the existence of their hurt, sadness, anxiety, whatever it is.
However, please remember that it’s not your problem. Every person’s healing is their own responsibility. You are not born in this world to fix someone else. A relationship is not supposed to be a broken project that you end up fixing and repairing over a long period of time. You are not here to repair the woman, or you are not here to repair the man in front of you, and you need to get rid of this mindset that you know I can change this person.
Why You Get Attached Too Soon?
Someone you end up dating will show their true version over a period of 1 to 3 months, so stop getting attached in the very first month thinking this person is your dream partner. People take time to show and reveal their true version, and you have to be patient.
However, if you are in this anxiety-ridden place where you just desperately want someone to love you, how are you going to end up attracting a healthy partner? And then you are already so attached, and you already have so many feelings for this person, and then you end up heartbroken because this person cannot show you love.
The problem is you give out your heart too soon to people without even giving them the chance to show their true selves and giving them the chance to earn your love. You need to put your heart inside a closed box for the first 1 to 3 months of dating a person so that you can understand who they are.
Your Pattern and Your Responsibility
It’s because you give your heart out too soon, you end up heartbroken because this person cannot love you the way you want to be loved, and then you end up blaming, oh, women are bad, oh, men are bad, there are no good people on this planet. But it’s your fault that you gave out your heart too soon without even judging the character of this person that you are dating.
People can only hide their true version for a very limited period of time. After a point, it’s going to come out, and you have to wait for that. You have to understand what this person is like, not just when they’re happy to be around, but also how this person handles conflicts, how this person processes their emotions, and deals with their emotions in a healthy way.
And your subconscious mind already knows that this person is not good for you, but you end up picking the same kind of people who are emotionally unavailable so you can reaffirm your wounds to yourself that you are unworthy, that you are unlovable, love is hard, and love is not easy to find.
Stop Playing the Victim
Until you break this pattern, you are always going to end up attracting emotionally unavailable people, and then you are crying yourself to sleep, and then you’re sending long texts to this person who does not even want to have a confrontation with you in the very first place, saying how you deserve good treatment.
Seriously, nobody cares if you deserve good treatment or not. Do yourself a favor, please don’t embarrass yourself by sending that long text to that person telling them how they should have treated you better. Instead, just please do yourself a favor and walk away. Hold your head up high and walk away with your self-respect.
Traits of Emotionally Unavailable People
These are some of the traits of emotionally unavailable people. They mainly struggle when it comes to communicating their emotions and needs in a healthy manner. They avoid confrontation at all costs. They even struggle to sit with their own emotions, and how do you expect them to articulate their emotions to you, let alone understand your emotions?
They are very much disinterested in their own needs because, let’s be honest, they don’t even know how to handle their needs. They are probably not even aware that they have needs.
Another trait of an emotionally unavailable person is they often end up seeking perfection in the people they are dating because that is an easy way out. The moment something goes wrong, the moment there is a conflict, or the moment there is an issue, it’s their way out.
Why You Must Walk Away?
Emotionally unavailable people are also the ones who end up ghosting other people because they do not actually have the capacity to do the hard work to make a relationship work. So the easy way out is exiting without even communicating in a healthy manner.
If you’re with an emotionally unavailable person, you’re going to end up doing all the work. You’re going to text them, call them, arrange dates, and they are never going to initiate anything. Commitment is not even a word in their vocabulary.
Final Perspective
You will save yourself from so much misery if you just understand that you cannot form a connection with people who are disconnected from their true selves. Waiting for someone to act correctly is, in a way, you disrespecting yourself.
Please remember that your life is too short. You deserve to be with someone who knows how to love you, shows genuine interest in you, and is willing to work on building a healthy relationship.
I hope this article was helpful when it comes to putting some perspective into your mind. So thank you for reading this, and I’ll see you in the next article soon. Thank you!