What is the story that you want to tell your kids? Do you want to tell your kids the story that, “Oh, I was chasing your father, I was chasing your mother, and that’s how they fell in love with me. I had to work so hard to win their love. I had to work so hard so that they could see how good I am, so they could see I am worthy of love.”
Is that really the story that you want to be telling yourself? But if you are in this sort of a situation, then this article is for you. If you’re new here, I am Akash, and this is the platform where we talk about everything from healing traumas, building healthy relationships, building self- Lov, self-esteem, confidence, and as a result of which building your best life.
Giving More Won’t Make Them Love You
Giving someone something more of what they do not appreciate from the very beginning is not going to make them fall in love with you. They never even appreciated what they had starting off. How do you expect them to start appreciating it further down the line?
Just because you give more to a person does not mean they are going to choose you and they’re going to love you, because they don’t probably even value you in the first place. You should never have to chase after someone so that they can choose you, or they can love you, or they can see how amazing of a person that you are.
Why You Chase Love?
You will only chase someone if you don’t see your inherent value, if you don’t see and you don’t understand what you bring to the table, because you lack confidence. People who are confident, they don’t chase someone else, they pursue someone else. People who are secure within themselves, they don’t chase after love, they don’t chase someone else and beg them to be in a relationship.
And it’s not your fault that you are chasing after people who are not into you as much as you are into them, because unconsciously you have identified some childhood patterns within them. Your brain has identified, “Oh, this person is exactly like my parent who never valued me, who never cared for me, who neglected me when I was growing up.” And that is why you unconsciously get attracted to people who represent your parents in a different form, in a different version, so that you can prove to yourself that you are worthy of love.
Abandonment Wound and Emotional Triggers
When you were growing up, you ended up having that abandonment wound created in you, and all of us, in some scale, some level, have an abandonment wound inside of us. And when this person comes in front of you who is triggering it to you, that’s when you feel that intense chemistry, that is when you feel that intense compatibility and butterflies in your stomach.
If a person is making you so excited to the point that you are having butterflies in your stomach, that is a red flag. If you have gone through childhood abandonment, you need to be looking for someone who calms your nervous system, who suits your nervous system, and who values the person you are, and who chooses you.
Often what happens is people who have an anxious attachment style, because of their fear of being abandoned, because of their fear that they are not inherently worthy and they can be abandoned any given time by anyone they are in love with, they end up often chasing someone who is emotionally unavailable. And in most of the cases, these are people with avoidant attachment style.
The combination of two people who have an anxious attachment style and an avoidant attachment style is one of the most painful things you can go through. If you think about it, the avoidant is always in control of the relationship. The person who knows to pull away is always in control of the relationship, which leaves the other person questioning themselves, questioning their own worth.
Healing Through Inner Work
But you need to sit with yourself and identify that when did this fear of abandonment get triggered within you. Revisiting your childhood memories, often for you to heal your pain, you have to feel it. One thing that really helped me get over my abandonment wound is doing inner child healing. I did a lot of inner child meditations, I did a lot of inner child journaling, and truly connecting with the younger version of me who felt so abandoned and emotionally neglected by her parents and trying to give myself love.
In the beginning, it was so hard to even make myself feel loved, but it’s a process that you have to go through, and eventually it gets easier and easier the more you get into the practice of giving your inner child the love that they truly deserved. You have to, in a way, reparent yourself if you want to break your anxious attachment style, because you have to prove it to yourself unconsciously that you always have your back.
How You Fall in Love With Slowburn Relationship?
You are never going to abandon yourself, you are always going to show up for yourself and always going to show the compassion that you truly deserve. These are the most important reason as a person with an anxious attachment style you should fall in love with a slowburn relationship.
Number one reason, in most of the cases, people with anxious attachment style, they fall in love not with the person but the attention that they receiving. And you don’t fall in love with the substance of the person, but instead you fall in love with how this person is making you feel or how attentive they are towards you.
Fantasy and Love Bombing Stage
Number two, when someone is so available for you in the beginning, where they’re so attentive towards you, they’re taking care of all your needs, usually they’re projecting a fantasy onto you. And avoidant people usually have this fantasy of an idealized version of a relationship which they’re projecting onto you. But the moment you get attached and the moment you start revealing your insecurities, your fears, all the wounds that you have, they pull away because they do not have the emotional bandwidth for them to process your emotions and even their emotions.
Number three, most of the cases where you think something is chemistry or compatibility often results into it manifesting as anxiety over a period of time. In the beginning, it might be all butterflies, but over a period of time, the inconsistent behavior of this person can leave you questioning your own worth and triggers your nervous system, which puts you into a fight or flight mode.
Commitment and Avoidance
A person with avoidant attachment style is very hesitant when it comes to them giving you their commitment. Because if you’re committing to someone else, that requires a deep level of intimacy, that requires a deep level of vulnerability, that is a foundation of the relationship being authentic to your emotions and your needs.
And a person with an avoidant attachment style are so disconnected from their emotions, their needs, their wants that they fear it. They fear vulnerability, they fear intimacy, which is what often causes them to not get committed to someone else.
Let Them Reveal Who They Are
If you have an anxious attachment style, you need to give someone their time to show and reveal their true version. Because in the beginning, they might love bomb you. In the beginning, they might take care of all your needs without even you asking for it, and because of which you fall in love with the attention that they are giving and you fall in love not with the person that they are.
No amount of chemistry or connection can make up for the anxiety that is guaranteed if you remain in a situation where someone is not committing to you or if you remain in a situation where someone is breadcrumbing you or not choosing you. The only way out of the situation is to choose yourself.
My Final Message
You deserve to be with someone who is ready to work on themselves, heal, grow, and evolve themselves and show up as their best version to be with you. And unless you heal, you’re not going to break this pattern, and it’s your responsibility to heal yourself because you deserve to be in a good, healthy relationship.
I hope this article was helpful to you, if something is still unclear, you may feel free to ask those doubts in the comment section. So that’s all for today’s article. If you need such articles, do let me know in the comment section. So thank you so much for reading my article till the end and I’ll see you guys in the next article very soon. Thank you!