This is not about trauma. This is not about your childhood. This is about men who look externally powerful, but they still lose leverage in rooms important to them in relationships and when it comes to negotiation as well. This is for you if you are ambitious, if you’re building something, if you have money in your bank balance, but at the same time, you still feel unfulfilled. You still feel that subtle ache underneath you. Because the reason is, men who are high-performing are not evidently failing outside. But what happens is they are quietly leaking from within, where they do not have stable ground underneath them internally. It’s chaos. Your nervous system is dysregulated.
So if you’re new here, I’m Akash, and I’m a men’s coach, and I help men heal from their traumas, attachment issues, and wounded masculinity in order for them to pursue meaningful connection with themselves and with women as well. If you wish to work with me and get coached by me long-term, you can contact me through the contact us page, and then I can read your answers and judge if we are even a good fit for each other and if it even makes sense for us to work together.
What a Nervous System Leak Looks Like?
So first, let’s talk about what a nervous system leak looks like. So, when you have a nervous system leak externally, you could look confident. You can look as if you’ve gotten everything under control. But your body signals insecurity to the people in front of you. This could be to the woman you’re speaking to, to investors, or even in front of your employees as well. You can say the right words. You can have the right posture. But still, your internal world broadcasts fear, tension, and worry, and you do not feel internally stable at all. You do not have that calmness and groundedness that need to be there in a high-performing man.
A nervous system-level leak even looks like you trying to fill in the silences, over explaining yourself, justifying, giving excuses, and also, on top of that, trying to prove your intelligence in front of someone because you are externally dependent on their validation. And none of this looks very dramatic, but it still lowers your power in front of other people pretty instantly. And on top of that, there is also the approval leak that’s taking place.
The Approval Leak
So let’s say you are successful, you are competent, you have everything that you externally want in your life. But still, you care about being liked by other people. And as a result of this, what you do is you soften your stances. You basically hedge your opinions, and whenever you want to say no, you end up saying maybe. And this is something I have really observed in people who are entrepreneurs, who are pretty well-off, who are pretty rich as well, that everything seems to work out so perfectly in the business area. But the moment a woman enters their life, they kind of lose their regulation completely, where they do not know what needs to be done. The woman suddenly has all the control over them.
Narcissistic Women Attraction Leak
And another thing I have observed is that high-performing men really tend to attract narcissistic women because these women know their way around these men as well. And because you are so tied to external validation, you are so tied to external bling, you give that away a lot as well in the attempt to actually impress her. But this is something that lowers your power in front of someone else. And forget about how someone else perceives you. It lowers your own self-respect in your eyes, too.
So every micro-adjustment is basically a leak on your side because a man who is highly conscious does not need approval from the room. In fact, what happens is the room recalibrates to him. So whenever you are seeking comfort over authority, right now know that the comfort that you seek because of your dysregulated nervous system is always going to be expensive and has a cost.
The Urgency Leak
The third kind of leak is the urgency leak. So you want answers. You want clarity right now. And this is something that basically destroys attraction between two people as well. And this is applicable when it comes to you being on a date or trying to establish a relationship with a woman as well. We all know that you have a knack for closing business deals.
But that doesn’t translate into you having the knack when it comes to closing relationships as well. Because when you are closing a business deal, you are often detached from the outcome. Internally, most of you guys know that you have the caliber to close that deal in front of you. But what happens when you are in that position where the stakes are higher, where there is a woman in front of you who is judging you? You often lose your power in these situations.
And this is where your body tightens because your nervous system starts getting dysregulated. And in this case, your tone speeds up, your breathing shortens, and your eyes look for reassurance from the woman. What happens in this case? Instead of actually leading in a relationship, you resort to a place where you let the woman lead, and she starts having the upper hand in this situation because urgency when it comes to closing down a relationship signals scarcity to the other person. You believe that you’re not going to find someone like this, because of which you want to rush things as much as possible. But in this process of rushing things, you are even bypassing the red flags that your conscious mind is picking up on because you just want this relationship to get closed into your life.
So please understand that this scarcity basically signals low leverage, and this urgency comes off as a scarcity mindset. The most dangerous kind of men are the ones who can walk into the room and signal to other people, “I don’t need anything from you because I am full within myself.” And most of the time, if you are a high-performing man, you have also built your external success from a place of a wounded boy trying to actually show other people what he is capable of. But this wound acts up the most when it comes to love and relationships. And until you heal that wound inside you, you’re going to find it pretty hard to stabilize a relationship externally because you’re leading the relationship from a place of external validation and in the wrong method.
The Performance Leak
The fourth kind of leak is the performance leak. So high-performing men have very high intelligence. But then when it comes to relationships and connections, they try to leverage this intelligence. They go into explaining the details. This is where over explaining actually takes place. They do not have that muscle within them to actually be calm and stay in silence because they automatically get dysregulated in these moments. And whenever you feel the need to impress a woman in front of you by quoting the things that you have achieved or you own, or by trying to impress her by stating all the things you have accomplished in your life, this basically screams, “Hey, I seek your external validation. I believe I’m only going to get you when I show you what my achievements look like.”
Of course, when you lead from this place, people are going to like you for your money and your status. But no one is going to actually see the heart beneath all that accomplishment and status because, in a way, you also don’t see that part of yourself. You do not feel you are worthy just as you are. You feel you’re worthy because of your money as well as your accomplishments as well.
The Emotional Suppression Leak
Then the next kind of leak is the emotional suppression leak. Just because you are calm, and just because you’re not talking out, or just because you are pretending to be cool in front of someone else, that doesn’t mean that internally you feel the same way. Most of the time, when you are not speaking out, most of the time, when you are not stating your boundaries, what is happening is that you are suppressing your emotions. And these suppressed emotions are going to come out in the form of passive aggression, in the form of irritation. And then you also move into a place of high anxiety.
And what exactly happens? You carry this very energy into your workplace. Your employees pick up on that. People around you pick up on that. And when you are constantly dysregulated, how are you going to even make good decisions for your workplace as well? And you can learn all the negotiation tactics that you want. You can learn the frameworks of dating. You can learn the psychology of attraction, everything. But as long as you do not feel regulated in your nervous system, a woman is not going to be able to feel your masculine presence. She is not going to feel safe with you.
Why Internal Regulation Matters?
Because women are tuned to actually pick men who are safe within themselves because their safety depends on your leadership abilities in a lot of ways as well. This is why some men make money, but they often lose out on women. They build teams but end up being burnt out because they don’t understand that the nervous system is your main operating system.
You can put your focus on building frameworks, building strategies, going to the gym, building your physique, and having time management abilities. But externally, even if you have all these habits, if your internal world is still chaos, you are operating from reactive energy instead of grounded, calm energy as well. And whenever you operate from this reactive space, the results are often going to fluctuate, not just in your dating life but also when it comes to leading your business in your workplace as well.
The Shift: From Wounded Performer to Regulated Leader
If your internal state is still fearing rejection, if it is still seeking approval from other people, what you need to work on is not strategies to fix it externally, but you need to actually look within and reorganize yourself internally. But this is where most men stop because looking within and reorganizing yourself internally requires you to face your childhood traumas, your wounds that you are basically carrying inside you. But this seems like very difficult, uncomfortable work. But as long as you’re going to bypass this, you are never going to find that fulfillment in your life because your baseline itself is dysregulation.
So let’s talk about the shift from the wounded performer into a regulated leader. So there are two kinds of ambitious and driven men. The first kind of man basically works hard because he fears being ordinary. He wants to achieve things because he’s trying to prove himself to other people, be it his family, his father, mother, or anyone in the picture as well. And he also learns to achieve things because he is actually running away from inadequacy, the projection maybe his family put on him as a child as well.
But the regulated kind of leader builds something because he finds fulfillment in it. He speaks from a place of clarity. He is not trying to impress anyone, and he is not trying to prove anything to anyone with the success that he is having. He is building for himself, and he achieves things because he feels worthy of achievement. Same output, but two different kinds of energy within two men. One has a dysregulated nervous system, and he is creating from a place of lack. And the other kind of man, the second type of man, is whole within himself. He has faced his shadow aspects, and his abundance and his success basically come from a place of wholeness and inner worthiness and inner self-worth as well.
Final Perspective
Your external success does not matter if you’re internally still seeking validation because soon enough, the world outside you is going to mirror back your internal dysregulation.
So if you are a man who leads in dating, in business, and in work from a place of dysregulated, reactive energy, you are going to have reactive results in your life. You’re not going to find that stability. There will be a lot of inconsistencies happening in your work as well as your love and relationships because your external world is a reflection of what is internally within you. Yes, you can rewire your mind when it comes to success and abundance. But oftentimes, even if you rewire these areas, love and relationships are high-stakes attachment areas where these masks are often going to fall off. And until you are, let’s say, hit by a truck in this area, you’re not even going to have the thought to actually look within and work on yourself. So why wait until then?
And high-quality women do not respond to your performance. If you are performative in nature, you are going to attract a woman who is also performative. But a woman who is highly conscious is looking for a man who has that sense of grounded presence within himself. And what actually fixes this is basically nervous system-level training, identity shifting, and facing your shadows. And most men cannot do this by themselves because they’re not able to identify the leak within themselves. Even if you identify the leak, that awareness is not going to solve your problems, and you would need external pattern recognition. You would need controlled pressure applied to you to bring about an identity shift.
You have to explore your attachment styles with your parents as well to actually understand why your attachment style developed in this manner as an adult too. And this even requires you to upgrade your operating system as well. And if you want to work with me to get coached by me, you can contact me through the contact us page or by directly emailing me, then I will try to reach out to you as soon as possible. So, I hope you enjoyed today’s article, and I’ll see you guys in the next article soon. Thank you for reading!