You are officially never there. But it still feels like they took away a big part of your heart. No labels, just chaos and occasional moments of intimacy, which made you remain in that situation altogether. This situation ships this almost-lovers scenario where you have the tagline, “Let’s see where this goes.” It keeps you stuck in a state of limbo. Situationships often hurt way more than a breakup that happens in a relationship because in a relationship, you kind of exhaust all the options, and that is when you decide to break up. But a situationship is a half-lived potential. It is an unfulfilled connection that often keeps you stuck in that limbo. So, if you’ve ever been in a situationship or if you are in one, this article is for you.
Why Situationships Keep You Stuck?
The biggest thing that happens when you’re stuck in a situationship is that your brain actually cannot make sense of it. Your brain is wired to close the loop. Your brain is wired for certainty and answers to a particular situation. But a situationship is something where you don’t really have an answer. You have no clarity to see exactly where the connection is even heading, if it’s going to become a relationship, or if it’s just something that’s wasting your time. There is no clear start, no commitment, no closure. In a way, you are completely lost in this whole connection with the hope that maybe one day it will work out.
Have you found yourself obsessively thinking about why this connection is not solidifying into a relationship? Replaying past moments, certain texts you sent, the moments that you guys spent together, your intimate moments as well, thinking, “If everything was good, why is this not getting built on a solid foundation?” If you’ve thought about that, then this should be an opening video for you. Because in a way, you’re the one keeping yourself stuck in a state of limbo.
The Brain on a Situationship
The truth is, in a situationship, your brain is stuck in a state where it’s trying to make sense of something that was never emotionally safe to begin with. The most dangerous line someone can tell you is, “Let’s see where this is going.” Are you intentional about your dating? Are you intentional about wanting to be in a relationship? You should have a time period in your head that if this connection does not lead to a relationship within a particular timeframe, you are going to exit the situationship. But because you like the person in front of you more than you like yourself, and more than you respect your own needs, you continue to entertain this whole situation. And finally, when it doesn’t work out, you exit the whole thing much more hurt, and the damage is already done.
The whole thing is actually built on inconsistency and not intimacy. This is why it’s much harder to move on from a situationship. When a connection is not built on consistency but rather built on inconsistency, it still activates the same part of your brain that actually gets activated when you are in a relationship. It activates your dopamine reward system in the brain.
So what happens is during those periods of inconsistency, even if they send you a text after one or two days of leaving you hanging, you get a sudden high the moment you see a text or get invited to hang out. Even if there was a low before that whole thing, your brain is actually chasing that high. In a way, you’re not addicted to the person itself; you’re more addicted to the thought of “Why is this not working out? Why is this person not choosing me?” That tiny hit is enough to keep you hooked. And when they pull away once again, your brain starts chasing the high again. This is also known as intermittent reinforcement, and it’s the exact same thing that keeps people addicted to gambling or social media.
The worst part is your nervous system actually gets so used to it, it keeps thinking, “Does this person like me or not?” So essentially, it becomes very hard for you to break this thought pattern altogether, keeping you stuck for months on end in the situationship.
Why Situationships Are Harder Than Breakups?
All in all, a situationship ends because of two reasons. Either this person you are in the connection with finds a man with self-respect, or you decide, “Enough is enough.” You need to take your things, pick up your heart, and leave the whole situation altogether because you finally gained the courage to choose yourself and stand up for yourself. But even then, there have been so many moments of self-abandonment. You’ve been waiting, giving this person chances, hoping they will actually choose you.
This creates such a high level of grief and pain in your body to even move through. This is why the whole situationship is so much worse than an actual breakup in a relationship. You’re stuck in that state of confusion, and you’ve been stuck in that state for months on end. Think about someone who’s stuck in a nine-month-long situationship. And I hope anyone watching this isn’t stuck in a similar situation.
You don’t need nine months to figure out if you want to be in a relationship. All you need is two to three months to actually know if the person in front of you is compatible with you and if you want to make something out of this connection.
How to Move On From a Situationship?
When you decide to end that situationship, you’re basically grieving the fantasy. You’re grieving the hope. You’re grieving the potential of what this could have turned into. You’re grieving your dreams that you had with this person, not the actual connection itself. In a way, the emotional addiction that you had during this connection feels like being in love, but you’re not heartbroken because you lost someone you love. You’re heartbroken because you abandoned yourself and didn’t respect yourself enough to leave the situation when someone in front of you was actually not giving you the clarity you needed in the first place.
The first thing to do is to accept the situation for what it is. Stop gaslighting yourself. They gave you breadcrumbs, and you made a whole meal out of it. They gave you the bare minimum to keep you hooked, and you’ve been fantasizing about what could have been. The reality is, they are emotionally unavailable for you, and they show up for you only at their convenience.
See the real person for who they are. Make a list of 20 things that were wrong with this person and this entire connection. You need to snap out of that fantasy in your brain so that you can see the reality of the situation. Stop romanticizing the potential and focus on the actual start. Analyze the pattern that you both played out in the situationship so that you don’t repeat it going forward.
The second thing you need to do is take them off your pedestal. Most of the time, you are not in love with the person; you are in love with the potential of the person. What are you getting out of it? Are they showing up in your life the way you want someone to show up in a relationship? Stop idealizing them and start looking at the reality of how they are actually treating you.
The third thing is to give yourself some grace. It’s okay that you fell in love with this person. It’s okay that you gave your heart to someone who didn’t have the capacity to hold it. Now, start taking care of yourself and show compassion towards yourself. Grieve for this whole connection, but don’t be stuck in the limbo of heartbreak. If they weren’t the one for you, you wouldn’t have been in this position at all.
Grieve for yourself, grieve for abandoning your own needs, but don’t grieve for someone who could not actually meet you when you needed them. This is about seeing your greatness, having your own boundaries, and choosing yourself in moments of uncertainty and confusion.
There will be emotions like anger that come up. Do some anger-release techniques to discharge the negative charge from your body and let go of this whole thing. Don’t make the situationship define you as a person. Channel your pain into something healthy.
Every breakup or situationship is an opportunity to create something out of the pain. One day, in the future, you’ll look back and thank yourself for choosing your own boundaries and your own self-respect.
So I hope this article was helpful. And there shouldn’t be any doubts, however if you have any, you may ask them in the comment section. For example, If you’re stuck in a situationship or want to heal attachment issues, self-worth, or past wounds that led you into such a connection, you can share your problems through the comment section. I will answer what to do. So that’s all, thanks for reading this article. I will come again with another interesting article soon. Thank you!