Today, I want to discuss about something that many men actually struggle with but often find it very hard to put into words like what they are going through. And that is the experience of actually giving your heart to someone, showing up for someone, giving them the best, and still always being not chosen, not feeling heard, and even dismissed by the person you end up liking or even loving. But what happens is, it ends up slowing down altogether. She pulls away. She stops responding to you how she was behaving in the very beginning, in the very initial stages. And then this kind of leaves you heartbroken, leaves you feeling confused as to why this even happened to you in the very first place.
So if you have experienced something like this in the past, or if you’re actually going through something similar right now, then this article is for you. If you’re new here, I am Akash, and I am a men’s relationship coach. I help men heal their attachment issues, wounded masculinity, and traumas in order for them to pursue meaningful connections with women. And if you want to work with me in order for you to heal yourself, your attachment issues, your self-worth issues, your abandonment issues, you can email me. I have mentioned my mail in the contact us page, so you may do it from there. Now let’s start.
Why Mens Keep Ending Up in This Situation?
So if you’re a men and also find yourself stuck in this kind of situation where you end up giving to the person in front of you, whereas they end up leaving you hanging, then you might be engaging in certain behaviors that are possibly leading to this kind of an outcome. So this is something that I specifically want to address in this article. So if someone pulls away or ends up leaving you hanging, there is a very high chance that that woman was emotionally unavailable.
So let’s address a point first like why do you first attract women who are emotionally unavailable or emotionally immature? So when you are consistently getting drawn to the same type of women who are not investing the same kind of energy in the connection as you are, there is actually something deeper going on here.
We often end up dating our unfinished business. So in case you have gone through any kind of emotional neglect growing up from your parents, where you didn’t get consistent love from your parents, your nervous system, your unconscious mind, and even your entire body are kind of tuned to that kind of attention. In a way, you actually associate love with being inconsistent.
How Your Past Impacts Your Attraction?
So when you meet someone for the very first time, your unconscious brain actually detects these red flags early on. But your conscious brain makes excuses for them because you possibly like this person too much. Your unconscious brain will always end up attracting someone who is showing the same kind of dynamic that you have experienced in your household while growing up. Maybe you had a father figure, or maybe you had a mother who didn’t show up consistently for you maybe emotionally unavailable as well.
Your Default Love Pattern
So this pattern of you attracting emotionally unavailable women in your life comes from that. When a child grows up in a household where they believe that love is not consistent, and they have to work hard to gain that love from their parents, they have to be a nice boy, they have to please them to gain love, you end up associating love with something that needs to be worked for. You feel like love is something that you should earn from the other person, and it is not something that is given freely to you.
Familiar vs Healthy Love
So this becomes your default pattern, and it ends up attracting people with whom you repeat the same dynamic. So even as an adult, your nervous system actually feels safer with women who are emotionally distant and give you hot and cold behavior, not safe in the long run, but in the short term, that feels familiar. We often end up choosing what’s familiar over what’s uncomfortable.
Why You Ignore Healthy Women?
So in a way, if there is a woman in front of you who is actually pretty interested in you and is showing you all the love that you probably deserve, you might not actually end up being attracted to her because that doesn’t feel familiar. You feel like you haven’t earned her love.
Instead, what happens is you end up chasing women who are emotionally unavailable, whose love you have to win over a period of time. But this is why you end up repeating the same pattern and breaking your own heart over and over again. Now why this keeps happening is not that you are consciously choosing to hurt yourself. This happens at a very unconscious level because of your abandonment wound. Your unconscious brain will always try to recreate the dynamic that you are familiar with.
Now think about it this way: if you have grown up in a house where you didn’t get consistent love from your parents, and your parents were emotionally absent, you have been used to living in that kind of environment for possibly 18 to 20 years. It’s not easy to break that pattern in one month. You will have to consciously work on yourself. You will have to catch yourself in the moment when you are repeating this pattern so you can stop yourself once and for all.
How This Pattern Plays Out in Real Life?
Now let’s also talk about what this pattern looks like in real time. So if you’ve been in this cycle, this is how it might actually play out:
First, you meet a woman and you feel a very strong pull towards her. There is a lot of chemistry, a lot of attraction that’s what you think. But this is your nervous system actually sending you signals, which you often confuse as attraction. Then you start sharing things about yourself, you start becoming vulnerable, and you start giving her attention even without giving her the opportunity to show you that she is worthy of your attention.
Then in the beginning, she reciprocates. But eventually, that pattern disrupts. Slowly, she starts pulling back. The consistency decreases. You start overthinking. You start chasing or pretending. And this triggers your inner child again.
How to Come Out from This Situation?
Now let’s talk about how you can actually break this cycle once and for all. For example: Stop over-investing too quickly. Give her time. Observe patterns. Trust actions, not words. Also, Reconnect With Your Self-Worth.
The next thing you need to do is reconnect to your self-worth. Someone’s behavior is not a reflection of your value. It is a reflection of them. When you believe you are enough, you stop tolerating inconsistency. Also, Stop Chasing & Start Seeing Clearly. Stop treating silence as mystery. Silence is an answer. Stop chasing clarity from someone who isn’t even giving you respect.
Healthy Love Doesn’t Require Struggle. A healthy connection is a two-way street. It does not require proving your worth. It does not require constant struggle. You Are Not Broken. And I also want you to remember that you are not broken for feeling this way. This is not permanent. This can be fixed. The fact that you are even watching this and trying to improve, you should be proud of yourself. You are not weak for wanting love. But the first person you need to give that love to is yourself.
So I hope this article was helpful, I hope you understood how you have to behave in this situation and how you can come out from it. If something is still unclear, feel free to ask your doubts in the comment section. I will try to answer your doubts as soon as possible. So thank you so much for reading and I will see you guys in the next article soon. Thank you!