If you’re hiding your demons, your shadows, and your flaws from the woman that you are dating, and she falls in love with you, just know one thing: that she is truly not in love with you. But she is in love with the character that you are playing. And one day, what happens? The mask kind of falls off. The flaws start coming outside. And when these flaws start coming outside, that is when the real picture kind of starts. The real movie starts playing then.
Then people back off. Then people start having problems with you, and this is why most of the relationships even end all the time, because people are not their true authentic self in the very beginning. They are trying to showcase themselves as the best character possible, and as a result of which, the person in front of you falls in love with a version of you that’s not even real.
So, in this article, I really want to discuss about what is the primary reason as to why love doesn’t last these days and why relationships are breaking apart all the time. So, if you’re new here, I am Akash, and I’m a men’s coach, and I help men deal with their traumas, attachment issues, and wounded masculinity in order for them to pursue meaningful connection with women.
The Illusion of Attraction
There is a beautiful quote that my friend recently told me, and there is so much truth in that. If our demons can’t dance together, then I’m not interested. This should be the foundation of every single relationship there is. So first, let’s talk about the illusion of attraction. Now, most of the dating videos out there tell you, okay, play games, be detached, pretend as if you know you don’t truly care for her, and also don’t show her that you’re too interested in her. And it also promotes a lot of superficial factors like money, like looks, etc.
Now, all these external things, I’m not saying that they are not effective or they are not important or anything of that sort, but the truest form is if you only rely on these external means to actually build a relationship, then you are truly building a house on sand, and one day that is going to collapse. One day it’s going to break apart because the foundation of the relationship is actually not that strong. And such houses which are actually built on sand, they look really good from outside. But when an earthquake comes in, when life really shakes you, the house cannot withstand itself and it’s going to collapse. Because there are no strong pillars to hold it up, because during these life crises, that is when your shadow actually comes out. That is when your demons and your flaws truly come out.
And if you have got into a relationship with a woman from the thought process that, hey, it’s only the external things that I do that’s going to impress her, when your shadows truly come out, she’s not going to be happy with you, because she actually fell in love with the mask that you are wearing early on. And true attraction does not come from performing. It comes from revealing. When you hide your flaws, you end up attracting someone who falls in love with your mask. And when you show your truest self, you actually filter out a lot of women.
How Authenticity Works and Create Healthy Relationship?
Yes, when you’re authentic, when you are real, you will not be able to get in a relationship with any woman out there. You will only be able to get into a relationship with a woman who is imperfectly perfect for you. Every single person has their own flaws. I know so much about relationships. I have my own fears. I have my own flaws even when it comes to relationships.
So you have to actually look for someone who is imperfectly perfect for you, not someone who is perfect, who has absolutely no flaws whatsoever. That’s not the idea. But the real message is you have to actually show your real self, because it’s only from that frequency you can attract someone who accepts you for your truest version.
Why Masks Kill Love?
Now let’s talk about why masks actually kill love. So, in the beginning, everyone is trying to show their best version. It’s like actually seeing the highlight reel. And eventually, over time, there are cracks that start coming in the relationship. And when those cracks come in, that is where a lot of triggers come in. That is where people’s fears come in. That is where their shadows come in. These are the moments which exactly determine how you and your partner, as a team, are going to resolve that conflict or resolve the issue that is even there in the relationship.
Often times we hear this line known as “you have changed.” But the true answer is no one actually changes like that. They were always that version from the very beginning. But just because they’ve put on a mask and you fell in love with the mask, or vice versa, it kind of hides the real version from you in the early dating stages. And as and when the relationship actually proceeds, when you guys will have conflicts, which is inevitable, even the healthiest relationships have conflicts, that is when the real nature of the person starts coming out.
My Personal Advice
The first and the most important advice I can give you before you get into a relationship with someone: wait for your first conflict. A lot of you guys come to me to get coached by me saying that, okay, she was initially very interested in me, but later on she lost interest. This is because you were not real with her in the very beginning, and later on when your insecurities start coming out, she kind of bolted out. Do you really want to be with someone who is going to step back when you start showing your fears?
This is the person that you’re probably going to spend the rest of your life with. When you might have a health issue, when your parents are probably not well, this is the one person who is going to be standing beside you. So, you need to actually select a partner who has that bandwidth and the emotional intelligence to move through crises. And this can only happen when you actually allow the first conflict to happen, because then you see what the emotional maturity of this person even looks like.
Transformational Power of Authenticity
Now let’s talk about the transformational power of authenticity. Authenticity is the highest vibration there is. It’s more stronger than love because you are living from your soul’s truest essence in this state of being. And when you actually hide your real self from someone, when you hide your weaknesses from a woman, eventually you are going to be in that fear of okay, what happens when she finds out? Why do you have to wait for her?
Let her find it out in the very beginning. Because as I said, everyone has their flaws. And it’s actually an invitation even to her to show her flaws to you when you are revealing your flaws to her. And when you do this, this is where real intimacy starts to build.
What is Intimacy In Relationship?
Intimacy actually means “into me, you see.” You are seeing my truest real version. You’re seeing all my cracks, but still you choose me. That is the real meaning of intimacy. And the love that is formed from here on, it will heal your soul. It’s the most transformational kind of love that you can ever have when you are your real self and this person in front of you still accepts you, still chooses you for who you are.
And transformational love is not about two perfect people coming together. It’s two people who are willing to make that choice to stick together no matter what happens. It’s two people coming together who are willing to grow with each other. Because truth be told, we are never the same person.
I am not the same person I was 6 months back. How can I expect my partner to be the same person in this case? And you have to choose someone who you can grow with, who you can evolve with. And there will be times in your relationship where it will all be summer and happy. And there will also be winter seasons in the relationship.
But if you choose someone who has a mindset that, hey, we are going to get through this as a team, we are going to go through all the challenges and difficulties together, and we are not going to leave each other’s side no matter what, this is where that love actually becomes something so transformational. And this is exactly what the quote means I told you in the beginning of the article.
How to Uncover The Mask of Your Partner though Courage Test?
Now the last thing I really want to talk about is how do you put this into test when you are in the initial stages of a relationship. This is somewhat known as the courage test. And I’ll be honest with you, it takes a lot of guts to show your vulnerable, real side. So tell her about the fears that you have. Tell her about the things that you’re working on. Tell her about your insecurities. Now if she’s a woman who weaponizes that against you, she’s not your woman anyways.
So just think of it this way that you kind of just dodged a bullet. But if you share these things with her and if she still chooses you, if she still decides to actually stay beside you, this is where you know that she is someone you can actually build your life with. nd if you show your real self to her and she leaves, congratulations. You didn’t lose someone. You actually saved yourself from years of pretending. And if she stays, you have discovered the biggest diamond there can be for you.
The reason people have separations or they get into divorce is because they miss a lot of initial steps early on in the relationship. Because we are living in a time where loneliness is at an all-time high. People would rather just have someone for the sake of it than actually building their life with someone who is imperfectly perfect for them. But they don’t have the patience to find this out. So instead of asking how can I impress her, ask yourself: how can I show my real version and see if they accept me or not? Because the right woman won’t just love your light. She will also love your shadows. And that is where love becomes unbreakable.
So, I hope this article was helpful to you. I hope now you know how you have to test before fully falling for someone, and most importantly, wait for your first conflict and do the courage test to save yourself and uncover the mask of the people who is with you. So that’s all for today article. If anything is still unclear in case, feel free to ask your doubts in the comment section. So thank you so much guys for reading this article till the end and I’ll see you soon in the next article. Thank you!