Everyone talks about closure these days as if it’s a magical conversation that happens at the end of a relationship. But let’s be honest, most people are not seeking closure. They’re actually seeking validation from that one person who hurt them. You just want to have a last attempt to hear from that person and for them to acknowledge the pain that they caused you. And in all honesty, closure is not something they give you. It is something you give yourself.
In our today’s article, I will tell you why closure is not something you get from another person, but something you create within yourself. I will explain how the need for closure is often just a hidden desire for validation, and how chasing that final conversation can actually reopen wounds instead of healing them. So, without any further delays, let’s get into the article.
The Illusion of Closure
The first thing that I want to tell you about is the illusion of getting closure from someone else.
A part of us always wants closure once the relationship ends. And we think that closure is actually about hearing back from the other person as to why they caused us pain, why they left us. But rarely does that last conversation actually bring you comfort.
But what it does is it reopens your wounds. It cracks you open one more time, and it reminds you of everything that happened all over again. Because deep down, you are not seeking closure. You are actually seeking comfort. You just want someone to see your pain.
Why Closure Must Come From You not from Listening Others?
But often, when a relationship ends, you have to be your biggest cheerleader. You have to be the source of your own comfort.
A relationship hurts when we think that the person that we valued so much left us, or it did not work out, or we won’t find anyone better than them, or you loved them so much and they didn’t care for you. Most of the time, it’s because maybe the relationship was kind of one-sided, where one person was putting in more effort and someone pulled away, or you decided to step back for your own benefit.
But that doesn’t make the pain any less. No matter how the relationship ends, the pain is there, and it’s one of the most brutal pain that you can actually go through.
Why Breakup Feels Like Loss?
I heard this quote which says that, you know, the end of a relationship is equivalent to death. When you die, you lose your past, you lose your present, and you lose your future.
And that is exactly what a breakup is all about. You lose all the past memories that you made. You lose the future dreams that you had with this person. And in the present moment, you are very lost because you don’t know what you should do without this person.
Validation vs Closure
You feel that you want to have that one last conversation with them to let them know how they hurt you. But that conversation is not going to bring you peace.
The only way peace can come to you after a breakup is when you validate your pain, when you hold space for yourself, because there’s no one else to do that for you.
And often times, closure is you wanting to get something from that person that you already wanted in the relationship and you did not get, which is love, understanding, and appreciation.
The Trap of Seeking Closure
The person who did not value you is not going to just value you after the breakup. They might realize your value probably 2, 3, 4, 5 months down the line. But you shouldn’t even care if they do that or not because, in a way, you’re still seeking external validation in this case.
And to be honest, what people call closure is actually known as validation, where hearing back from them how they regret losing you is going to make your ego feel good, is going to validate the pain that you’re going through. But that is a very false trap.
Ego and Emotional Loops
It’s not going to make you feel any better even if this person comes up and admits that they regret losing you. Because at the end of the day, it still doesn’t diminish the pain that you went through post that breakup.
Your ego is trying to win here, where you see the other person suffering, when you’re trying to make them realize what they lost, or when you want to see them regret their actions. And this is your wounded ego seeking their validation.
Because truth be told, seeking closure is not about making them realize what your value is. It is actually you not letting their blindness and absence define your value.
Owning Your Story
And the third thing I want to talk about is closure actually means owning your story. Yes, you got hurt. Maybe you got betrayed. Maybe you got rejected. Maybe you got abandoned. But if you don’t own your story, who is going to do that for you?
And the biggest thing is acknowledging the pain that you went through. A lot of people go into this mode of numbing their pain, distracting themselves by engaging in habits that are not good for them for temporary relief and gratification.
Stop Escaping the Pain
But when you do this, you’re actually pushing that relationship trauma deep into your subconscious. You’re distracting yourself. You feel that you’re resolving it, but it just goes deep into your subconscious.
And when do these wounds surface once again? When you get into a connection with someone new, and these old insecurities from the past breakup that you have not processed start coming up for it to be processed.
Healing vs Repeating Patterns
But on the flip side, even if you have breakups, you process through that. You do not escape from that pain. You sit with that. You feel that pain. Trust me, you are emptying that emotional bank stored in your subconscious.
And every time you come out stronger from the breakup, as a better man, with a better vision, with a great amount of self-love for yourself, you feel proud of the man you are becoming who owned up your story.
Wrong Ways to Chase Closure
Here are some wrong ways that we actually chase closure. Stalking your ex. That is literally one of the most self-torturing acts that you can engage in post your breakup because you are showing yourself once again that this person is better than me.
And stop texting them. Stop chasing them. Please have some self-respect. And don’t go telling them how they caused you pain, how you are suffering because of them, or how one day they’re going to regret it and see your value.
Respect Yourself First
Come on, do yourself a favor and be better than that. A man who is disrespected is often someone who does not respect himself.
And if you want to minimize the disrespect caused post the breakup, you have to learn how to respect yourself by not chasing the person who abandoned you in the very first place.
The Real Path to Closure
The only closure you need is from yourself. You don’t need anything from the other person.
Closure is you telling yourself this is what I went through. I don’t need to hear anything from anyone to know and accept my own story. I don’t need words from the person who hurt me to validate my own pain because I know what I’m going through.
Final Perspective
You don’t need their permission to move on. You don’t need their permission to heal. You only need your permission to acknowledge your pain and build a life forward from here.
And I promise you, there will come a day where you move on from this whole thing as if it was the best thing that happened to you.
So, I hope this article was helpful for you to understand everything about how a real closure really looks like, so if you want to ask anything about any part of this article, feel free to ask those questions in the comment section. Thank you so much guys, I’ll see you in the next article soon. Thank you!